If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
