Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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