My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
