Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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