Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
