her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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