I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
