1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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