I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
