Don't make out with my wife yet
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
