She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
