I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
