I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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