Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
