every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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