Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize