I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
