Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
