Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
