Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
