There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize