I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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