Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
