Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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