Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
