There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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