My friends, they love my intelligence
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize