Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
