last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize