I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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