Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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