then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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