Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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