Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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