Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
