Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
