Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
