im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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