I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
