Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
