Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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