How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
