i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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