none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
