i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
