My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
