it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
