swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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