Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
