Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
