I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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