My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
