Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
