His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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