My room smells like vodka and shame
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
