I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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