the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
