yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
