sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
