Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
