I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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