I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
