this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
