I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
