highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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