I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
