I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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