you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
